Day 161: Fear of pedantic analysis

There has been some complaining, a mild form of blame, but packed with resentment and spite, almost wishing if this being disappear from my circle and just leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe X is nagging and harassing me, so I have the righteous right to complain about them, not seen/realizing complaining to Y about X, is gossip, and indirect blame, where I am not taking the responsibility to sort this out within myself, understanding X is more of a purist and pedantic in nature making a mountain out of a molehill, but wasn’t directly targeting me personally, yet I took it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and get annoyed with nitpicking, in this I forgive myself for reacting in anger and bitterness towards X for nitpicking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear nitpicking because I fear they might find something minor that’s wrong with my work, if so I might to have face consequences and shame for producing a faulty product, within this I see/realize and understand my reasons for reacting to X is the fear this being triggered in me, not their pedantic analysis itself. So the reason for my complaining and blaming was fear in me that got triggered by their in depth analysis of my work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when I am subjected to a pedantic nitpicking, make a mountain out of a molehill like analysis of my work, not seen/realizing this shows a lack of self trust and self confidence in what I have produced, hence reacting when someone analyze my work in absolute detail.

So I forgive myself for complaining and blaming about X, wishing and wanting X to disappear from my circle, whereas the real problem is my fear of being put to examination/investigation and my inability to face criticism of my work.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that X is hellbent on interrogating me, and equate pedantic analysis to a form of police interrogation, where right or wrong I will face corporal punishment from the authorities, within this I see why I am reacting, blaming and complaining about X, its my own fears from childhood I accumulated from the moments of interrogations. But I realize here now, examination or even interrogation doesn’t mean my life is danger or some punishment will come by, so I can drop these memories and fears.

When and as I see myself to reacting to X, in the form of blaming, complaining or having ill-will towards them, I stop I breathe, realizing I am reacting to the historic fears within myself but only triggered by X. So its my responsibility to resolve the historic fears within myself, not attacking, blaming or complaining about X.

Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni

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