Day 170: Hesitation

What is hesitation, is it fear, laziness, lethargy, avoidance, postponement, giving up, depression, fedup?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ‘hesitation’ decide my course of action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into this ‘hesitation’ voice in the head in thoughts and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind ‘hesitation’ not seen/realizing its actually a subtle fear that I am dealing with, some kind of an accepted and allowed idea holding me back, but I call it ‘hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing consequential outflows of job lay off, having to face new interviews, new people, new management and projects, within that a slight fear has crept in, but I call it hesitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that I am no good, not good enough, not perfect enough, not ideal enough, hence the reason why I am part of the group of people that were let go, in this I forgive myself for punishing myself with the voice of ‘hesitation’ that prevents me to actively seek new employment and work opportunities. Here I commit myself to remind myself to see my history of contributions and achievements over the years, in that I can honestly calibrate my own work quality, then ask why am I allowing this voice in the head to cause hesitation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate job lay offs to rejection, as if I am no good, not liked, not welcome, and that’s why I was “rejected”, and in this I forgive myself for setting foot with an unwelcoming attitude to the next job, thinking and believing I am not good for the next job, in that allow a fear of rejection, a hesitation to set in.

A chapter was closed for any number of reasons, a new chapter could begin, and its an opportunity to do better, understand past mistakes and do a good job next time. When I look at my 25+ years of work history, I see a noticeable improvement from job to job, as if I always did things better compared to the previous job, and that is awesome, it shows I am leaning, doing less mistakes and taking more responsibilities. I can also see for myself there is room for taking more responsibilities, even in the most recent job, there were moments where I could have taken more responsibility, more leadership, giving more direction, in that establishing myself as a stable, dedicated contributing worker, I can see how I slack off sometimes, contributed less, within the idea that I did ‘my share’, not seen/realizing taking responsibility is not confined to ‘just my task’, its going above and beyond my comfort zones. So there is where the hesitation coming from, I fear continuous repercussions for past mistakes.

Past is past, I am not condemned to repeat them, unless I accept and allow it, so I look at the awesome things and take pride, while looking at the mistakes in humbleness to learn from them, and make a decision to be more responsible, nobody is asking me to change the world, just take more responsibility in all areas of my work, (and my life), not just confine to a comfort zone.

With this understanding, I commit myself to drop the hesitation and direct myself to move ahead with up coming interviews and give my best shot, and take on the chance, the responsibility to deliver, and not allow a fear, or a hesitation in the form of fear to hold me back.

When and as I hear a voice in the head in the form of fear, or a fear based hesitation, I stop I breathe, and remind myself, past is past, and I commit myself to learn from past mistake to take more responsibility. Like Bernard Poolman once told me, “deliver excellence”.

Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni

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