Day 173: Accumulate, not beat up

I notice the tendency to beat myself up when I am not understanding or not knowing something, instead of taking the steps to accumulate that subject matter. Imagine standing in front of a swimming pool and beating self up because self can’t swim, how will that be supportive? Smart thing to do is take the steps, to accumulate the know-hows such that one day self will be comfortable in the pool. This automatic beating up of self from the get go is insanely useless and self-sabotaging, no more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize self-application, self-correction, self-development is a continuous moment by moment process, and within this I forgive myself for beating myself up in the belief that I am not perfect enough already, as if the very idea of ‘needing improvement’ is a cause for depression, defeat and giving up. “I am not good enough, oh might as well give up”, how incredibly self-trapping logic is that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and pain the moment I realize that I don’t know something, as if, ‘not knowing’ is a cause for depression, fear, defeatism, and giving up, instead of realizing ‘not knowing’ is a reminder to wake up and learn, acquire knowledge about that something I lack understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and depression, even giving up, when I don’t understand something that I am reading about, as if, some hidden automated record continuously playing the song ‘I am not good enough’, not seen/realizing this is something I have created for myself, thru self-blame and self-judgement, which is now an automated loudspeaker. Only way to stop is to just stop it within a breath, not giving any attention to this voice in the head, or any physical feelings of fear and anxiety that comes when I don’t understand something. I realize I am walking out of my own self-created self-sabotaging traps, I am the creator of my own self-sabotage, now I have to create my way out of it, and breathing is the key, staying focus on what’s at hand, not listening to the voice in the head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize giving up is easy, defeatism is easy, depression is easy, because that’s how I have formed my mind constructs, and the way out of it is not so easy, yet by applying myself moment by moment, taking that deep breath, I can step out of the self-sabotaging automation.

I embrace the principle of accumulation instead of this imaginary mind made notion of perfection, if a measurement is indeed necessary, then I ask myself the question, what am I accumulating, is that satisfactory, if not how can I up my game to accumulate on a regular consistent basis. So as I accumulate knowledge and information, understanding and know-hows, I realize I am supporting myself towards self-development, and there is no need to beat myself up or going to depression or defeatism while I am walk this process of accumulation.

When and as I see myself that I am not understanding or not knowing some subject matter, I pause and I breathe, instead of going to fear, anxiety or self-beating up, I direct myself to accumulate the know-hows, equalize myself to that subject matter step by step. This is the new self-corrective program replacing the old self-beating up program that no longer serves me.

Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni

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