Day 182: Unable to set boundaries

Seen some new posts recently, I am inspired write some today,
its been 3 months since my last post, been consumed by the new job, just couldn’t put aside the work stuff and give a moment to write, its a sign of trauma-like response or paranoia, not been able to set boundaries, to give somewhat equal attention to all parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am unable to set boundaries and juggle few things at once, in that allowing myself to disregard and neglect parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to operate within a trauma-like response mindset, where I consume myself with survival to such an extent, in fear of something could go wrong, or I may get caught for not producing enough, or I may be caught as an unproductive lazy worker, within that I constantly motivate myself to work, work and work, not seen/realizing this is not actually I am working hard or been dedicated to my job, rather an intense fear, a paranoia of failure is driving me, so much so, its creating a trauma like experience within me when I step aside from work to focus on other parts of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, yes I am expected to work 8-10 hours a day, but that still leaves me with some time for other parts, if I plan my time wisely I see/realize I can put the extra mile for work while putting time for other parts of my life. One thing is certain, work is not going to slow down or stop for me so that I can focus on other parts of my life, within this I see that I have to create the conditions, the time, the plan so that I can juggle few things, this is simply a matter of planning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access trauma-like sensations and energy within me when I step aside from work to focus on other parts of my life, as if I am going to lose on work, I am going to be unproductive at work, or miss out of on work, not seen/realizing in fact focusing on other parts of my life can actually contribute to my effectiveness at work, a refreshed mindset and body if anything can contribute to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate time away from work as time of trauma and career disaster, therefore I must be focused on work all the time, not even go for a bike ride or goto gym because that’s simply time away from work, within this I see/realize and understand the extent of trauma-like response I have developed in relation to work, work performance, and so called “hard working”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job, or fear not performing like a star at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate time away from work as disaster, as if I must be work-mindful all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘putting the extra mile’ to mean that I should not have a life other than work, and the moment I step out of work it means I am in danger, danger of being fired, danger of being not good enough, danger of being not valued enough, danger of being on the list.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a paranoid mindset in relation to work, as if I am in some constant fear of being let go, and the only way to stay employed is to work around the clock, not seen/realizing this is a classic trauma-like response survival mechanism I have developed within me.

Yes I agree my new work is challenging, new technologies, new tools, new software system, its highly rewarding and thrilling to work in this dynamic and cutting edge technology, so why not look at it as an exciting adventure and do the extra work instead of approaching it as a survival thing, as a trauma-like response paranoid survival thing. Drop the paranoia, drop the trauma-like mindset, instead approach it with a childlike adventure, then there is no fear, no fear of failing, no fearing getting fired, no fear of missing out, like when I was a child playing cricket all day and every day, it was pure adventure, so why not switch to this childlike mindset? in that I can easily attend to other parts of my life as well as keep on the work adventure going, without the trauma-like mindset energy unsettling me from within.

I commit myself to set boundaries and take part in other areas of my life.
I commit myself to breathe and slow down when and as I see myself accessing trauma-like response energy within me when I step aside from work into other activities in my life.
I commit myself to realize this trauma like energy is a survival thing I developed to counter fear, I commit myself to realize trauma-like response is an intense fear, so I commit to breathe it thru, as that’s the way out of mind energy, and fear is energy, trauma response is a mind response to an old fear energy that I still carry within me.

Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni

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