With listening to the newest recordings on eqafe, there is an urge within me to write, although I doubt if I am really living the words I write, or is this some kind of ritual where I just write for the sake of it, but no real actual living change, this point has been a challenge. May be there is a hope thru writing some magical way I will change, it doesn’t not quiet work that way. Till the writing is an honest conversation within myself on paper, it will perhaps remain a ritual, till I get there, with that said, forgive me, if I sound like a broken record, writing for years yet no change to show.
Perhaps I should ask myself why do I write, is this some kind of a show and tell, how will I deceive myself if that the case, is this some kind of passage to fit in, well what bs that will be. Perhaps like a farmer I am plugging thru the soil, work thru the difficult terrain, layers after layers, nothing glamourous to show, no fruits to bear, but I suppose its the act that count, the physical act of writing, its a movement within me, not a mind movement but a being/substance/physical movement.
It is said quickest way to self awareness is thru the body, the physical, because the physical is of the same substance as our beingness, perhaps that’s the actual goal of writing, to give the momentary time and space for physical, beingness movement thru the act of farming/writing. There is no ‘wow’ factor here, nothing deep or profound, nothing eye opening or mind blowing, I am just a farmer digging thru harden soil, that refuse to budge, the hard rocks of ego that refuse to budge, and beingness suppressed and without a breath, almost choked under the weight of ego, may be its a relief I am searching thru writing, to comfortably breath again, breathe thru the whole physical body, as layers are peeled off, its a process, writing is part of it, like drops of water on dry barren land.
Self forgiveness is the tool to cut thru things, so if anything this is entirely a personal process, yet its public because I am sharing this as a +1, so others may be inspired, but this is not a show and tell sharing, I am not trying to impress anyone or any group, yet part of the group of called life, we are evidence to each other, and as part of desteni group, we are evidence to each other, our writing is an inspiration to each other, it help impulse, I will be a damn fool if write this or share this to impress anyone.
Not writing has been detrimental, its easy to see the downside of not writing, yet impossible to see the upside of writing, I suppose just like a piece of land, easy to spot an uncared land. The very least writing is an act of self care, I am taking a moment to look into myself, in-to-me-I-see, intimacy, yes that’s the word, in all the noises and business of life, intimacy gets lost, a moment with self gets lost, here I can have a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny a moment to myself, thinking and believing that I must have something profound to write or share, or else judge myself as doing as meaningless verbal ritual. Here I commit myself to see this as a moment with self, writing is a chance to for self, a moment with myself, to see into myself, to ground myself. In the lostness and chaos of all noises, I commit myself to ground myself thru writing, giving myself a moment with myself. There is nothing profound here, yet taking a breath, taking a moment with self is profound.
Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni
Journey to Life - by Anton 