Day 180: Notes for self, life review at 2022

Why do I do anything? why do I wake up? whom do I want to impress, and why?
Why do I fear and whom do I fear? Why do I even live?

This may sound selfish, but without putting self first, everything else I do is kind of a pretend. I have apparently no purpose, meaning or reason live, yet want to impress the others, what kind of bullshit fake impress is that. if I am burden to myself, how can I impress others. This is where the fear comes from, as I have apparently no reason or purpose to myself, yet I try hard to impress others, its not real, so there is the tension of being caught. I need to lift up myself. I need no outside motivation, but my own existence is my motivation, I am alive, I live, that’s my motivation. I am not motivated by the fortunes or misfortunes of others. My own wellbeing is not a matter of motivation. Self-care is not a matter of motivation or something I do to impress. Same at work, as I start the new job, motivation is not found in external sources, I want to excel, I want to learn, understand and design software with excellence, and why do I want to do that? to impress others? no, its my own expression, my own creative expression, for self-enjoyment, self-satisfaction and creativity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to impress others, and use that want as a force to motivate me, not seen/realizing self-expression requires no motivation, I am expressing myself, that’s in itself the motivation. Do I need motivation to breath? Do I need motivation to be the best version of myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize becoming the best version of myself is something I want to do for myself, not to impress, not to add monetary value, not to look good, not to get sex, no, I just want to be the best version of myself, because this is something I have not done, in fact I have gone out of my way to create the midcore version of myself, I have settled for the average, less than average, within the belief its ok to be less than good enough, I have rejected excellence.

This one life to live, I allow myself to live and express the best version of myself, this of course not limited to my professional life, but starts at self, at home, in fact in every sphere of my life, it makes no sense to be depressive at home and cheerful at work, that’s fake cheer, just a pretend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ‘the who I am’ is the question, here today, yesterday and tomorrow, anywhere and everywhere, who am I.

And yes time is a real factor, time is a measurable unit of expression of self, did I sleep and sloth away my time on earth, did I rot away in drunkenness with my time on earth? Did I waste my time away in fantasy, dreaming, procrastination, worry etc, what did I express in the given time? what was my life like on earth?

If I were to look back on earth, my lifetime on earth, what will I see? what will I see myself to have done? A pleasure seeking, entertainment loving, lethargic, aimless, careless, just barely surviving being, working just to barely survive, house cleaning just barely enough to be livable, caring for money just barely enough to manage, everything is barely enough, but most attention going to fun/enjoyment seeking. Hard work is barely noticeable in my life. Discipline is rare. And I have outsourced anything that requires ‘physical labor’, and anything slightly painful or challenging I will procrastinate. Someone just barely making it thru, but why is the big question.

Past traumas, breakups and disappointments may be a small factor, but end of the day, I have accepted and allowed my less-than-good-enough lifestyle, I have accepted and allowed this barely surviving is enough lifestyle, I am the creator of my life, and its not pretty, the version I have created of myself, is not pretty, sub optimum, not the optimum best that I could be.

There is no one magic switch I can turn on, but in every moment, in every breath, in every location, in every encounter, I have to ask myself, am I giving, living, doing, expressing my optimum best, otherwise this optimum best thing becomes compartmentalized, just to impress the boss, just to show off to others, not substantial, not real. Existence can see me, hear me, at all times, how will I impress the exitance, when will this fake news of myself end, and real living begin?

I have been compartmentalizing my life, showing different faces at different times just to get by, but the real face is one of sub optimal misery. Road to correction is self-correction, moment by moment, not accepting and allowing anything less than my best version, not allowing sloth, depression, lethargy, just pulling myself out, moving like an arrow, there is no one to measure this, no goals to achieve, only in self-honesty can I see myself as someone who lived their best version, or at least as some thrived at every moment to give their best even against all odds.

I know one day I will look back at my life on earth, for real, that’s called a life review, and there is no magical revelations, what I see now is what I will see then, what’s obvious now will be even more obvious then, but with regret and no chance to correct. So here now, I still have time and chance to correct myself, to make my life review something I can be proud of, as something I created against all odds. Every moment is the key, here now.

Thanks for reading, inspired by #desteni.

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